Called Out: Fashion is my passion

Originally featured in Snowboard Magazine 11.4: The Timeless Issue

I like to think that Kurt Vonnegut was spot on when he said, “You are what you imagine yourself to be.” So it never ceases to amaze me how many simply imagine themselves to be like the next guy.

So I’m calling some more shit out. Sack up wimps, it’s only my opinion.

Called Out
Illustration by Mark Kowalchuk

Bibs, a tucked in flannel, balaclava, sunglasses and grandma’s gardening hat:
The high maintenance world of snowboard fashion meets the anal retentive fly fisherman. C’mon man, cut it out. I fucking guarantee you won’t be running that style in two years. Where this look came from and how various levels of practical functionality were molested into high fashion for snowboarders is quite simply astonishing. I have no level of verbiage to articulate this any further. I’m stumped.

That goddamn moustache:
What was once probably thought of as an ironic look to sport for a week has turned into a permanent look for legions of donkeys. Listen, if you are under 25 you don’t sport a mustache like that unless two things are happening. One, you are a pedophiliac and need to advertise it as such per the terms of your county-imposed probation. Two, you are trying to look like the sad sailor from the Village People. Either way, this is what you are putting out there. Just be aware you look like a jerk and people secretly laugh at you. You are certainly not Todd from Beavis and Butthead if that’s what you’re going for because he’s untouchable.

Headwear:
You need a cute hat, I get that. You start with a beanie, which in itself does serve a practical purpose, but then you think about how it might look if you rolled it up nice and high to look like a crab fisherman from Nova Scotia. This is a patented look of merchant seamen the world over and is straight disrespect to dudes who know nothing but hard work and syphilis. You’re not on shore leave asshole; you are spending mom’s money on a look that you rightly have not earned.

That filthy beard:
Why? I mean I get it if you have an obvious issue with rampant hair growth and want to connect your back pubes on up your neck and onto your face for consistent bodily texture. It’s gotta be high maintenance to council that kind of grotesque affliction every day. But if you are out there trying to grow a beard for vanity’s sake dude, you are in a bad place mentally. Beards are for those in a position of authority and must be earned. They are worn by affectionate thinkers, dreamscape painters and fancy men who have little other way to show their masculinity. Or, if you are playing for the Stanley Cup, which I highly doubt.

Anything from the ‘80s you are still trying to pull off:
Here’s what happens: you see something from a bygone generation that you think is clever. Black Wayfarers for instance. In itself they are fairly timeless, but then you’re like, “Well, what about if they were pink like that one wacky dude in that one movie wore?” Or you think, “Timmy has blue ones, I’m hella more stylie than that fucker.” So now you are wearing pink sunglasses. Think about that. Then you try and accessorize with another item that barely held on 30 years ago like that French Foreign Legion hat that Rusty Griswold wore in European Vacation. I mean those neck flaps would come in handy against the glaring tropical sun conquering savages in Madagascar, but damn, Russ could barely pull that off and he was a pimp.

All in all, your fluctuating fashion sense just lets everyone know that you are afraid to be yourself. It also bums the fuck out of that guy who was proud enough to be himself because you just took what he had going and exploited it beyond the lines of decency. Now that poor dude is looked on as an unoriginal poser because those with lack of creativity snaked his style and turned it into the next hot commodity. I’m just sayin’ find your game and stick with it, it’s far less stressful.

Read also: Called Out: Defenders of the Faith keep snowboarding real

Markkowalchuk.com

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